By Alok Vaid-Menon
The question that bothers me most about the existence of catcalling is not the fact that it is a cultural phenomenon. One would think that the presence of enough women who know how to deliver a catcall, coupled with subtle social pressure on the audience to catcall for some kind of fun, might have turned catcalling into something positive, or even pleasurable. The fact that this isn’t the case defies common sense and alienates the other in the crowd. As the new to the field, I was raised to believe that it was bad form to laugh at a man’s misfortune, or to be rude in front of a man — to say anything of the sort. That said, I don’t find catcalling dangerous.
Of course, I do understand the frustration of the harassment. There’s nothing wrong with a man wanting to impress a woman; in fact, finding a woman attractive is a good thing. It’s part of human behavior to want to make the best impression possible, whether through wooing her or inviting her to go on a date. This is the reason, I think, that more and more catcalling is taking place on social media. There are more women “catfishing” men than ever, as a way to give the appearance of a relationship without the awkwardness of going on a date. But while catfishing has been around for a while, catcalling has always been around. To be honest, I don’t see the difference between the two.
In fact, looking back at the ambiguous text messages and images I exchanged with men in college, I remember being confused by the whole thing, probably because it was so damn awkward for me. If a man writes to me in a loving and sweet way and asks if I’m single, I do think it’s kind of creepy that he’s bothering me to ask, but I don’t expect him to respond. But I’ve definitely gotten flirty back from men with up-close-and-personal messages from which I’ve pretty much had to stop reading, if not deleting. It seems to me that I’m not the only one, as more and more women are starting to understand that it’s great to play with your body, that it’s fun, and if a man wants to flirt with you to look cute then that’s a whole other conversation.
The thing is, I’m not sure I’m even interested in the act of catcalling. For one, I’m never going to be able to actually see the catwalking muscles the catcher wants me to see, and the cost of catcalling isn’t worth the damage it causes.
But more importantly, to me, the act of catcalling is almost as evil as the man who does it. He’s creating a dialogue with me, he’s something other than just a complete stranger. Like with most men, he’s making himself feel superior to other people, and doing something that his peers do. That’s when the benefits kick in: He has a loud and proud sense of who he is, and whatever sort of comfort he gets from his catcalling routine becomes inculcated into how he actually views women. It creates a space that is hostile to women.
At the end of the day, only the author knows how you feel about catcalling, but I do know that it’s kind of criminal. I also believe it’s become too common. I’ve seen a lot of men today totally cozy up to a woman and ask if she’s OK, doing everything from pawing her butt to suddenly blocking her from her mobile phone. That’s just wrong.
Although I do believe that I’m special and look “classy” if I’m waiting in a bar, I refuse to let myself become part of this culture. I’ve never allowed myself to fall prey to it. So much energy, and the humiliation it provokes can go to waste — I’d rather waste it on something I want to enjoy, anything to do with my body. And as I get older, I am happy that men are starting to understand what makes me happy, and that they are taking responsibility for how they think of themselves as women. We don’t owe them anything.
Alok Vaid-Menon is a New York Times bestselling author and creator of Alok Menon Playlist! She is also the creator of AlokMan.com, the first